Ok guys, I've solved it! It was some godforsaken problem with my .p12 file.
- Tried creating a .p12 file by exporting both the private key and the cert. FAILED.
- Tried creating a .p12 file by exporting just the private key. FAILED.
- Tried creating a .p12 file by exporting just the cert. SUCCESS.
So, notifications are now working for me. Not sure how to mark this question as solved, but it's solved. Thanks for all your help!